This was a letter of employment application to a bank by an Australian colleague of mine to express his dissatisfaction with the bank as his mortgage lender in a humorous way.
To whom it may concern,
Application for Customer Service Manager – Bank West
I noticed that Bank West was advertising for a Customer Service Manager , when I saw this advertisement I instantly became very excited as I have had some dealings with your bank and as a result believe I also have the exhibited qualities that I was so fortunate to experience.
I submit the following particulars in support of being considered for a management (customer focus) position within the Bank West Corporation.
I strongly believe that I possess all the desired and necessary qualities that will support Bank West’s demonstrated corporate mission and values.
Below is the list of my customer focus qualities that I believe best support Bank West’s service ethos and current customer practices.
1. I have an enormous passion and drive for making customers feel like they are of no importance or worth and that their constant and annoying business requests are nothing short of interruptive and are preventing me from doing something else more important.
2. I can be very direct and succinct in advising customers that I will get around to their business needs when I get the opportunity and not a minute beforehand.
3. I can be very creative in my responses to why the incompetence and unwillingness of the Bank to attend to the matters of the customer are really the customer’s fault and not the Bank’s.
4. I fully support the corporate attitude that we are too busy to attend to your needs right now and I personally don’t see any relationship with how this could be seen as being an internal management deficiency.
5. I enjoy employing and to that matter embracing arrogance as a fundamental tool when attending to any customer service matter and further believe that an aggressive and confrontational approach is a healthy building product in establishing customer relations in any business setting.
6. I can time after time commit and promise with a sincere tone to follow up on customer requests without any intention to ever do so and (wait-- get this) have no recollection of this promise or accompanying guilt when answering to customers follow up enquiries.
7. But I think the real WOW factor, hold on to your seat, Bang for Buck that is sure to impress and see me elevated quite quickly up Bank West’s corporate ranks is my true belief and passion that customer values are well overrated and that a more direct “like it or lump it” approach saves on the countless and unrewarding man-hours spent on convincing customers that we truly value their business, I mean what are they thinking? As if the bank gives two rats about them! If they don’t appreciate the bank’s service and demeanor they can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine and find another banking institute to harass with their irritating self-focused questions.
I believe that these astute attributes that I possess are very well aligned and in support of Bank West’s pursuance to achieving global recognition as the financial industry’s number one in customer dissatisfaction.
In an effort not to come across too cocky, but also knowing that any recruitment process with an ounce of integrity would certainly see me as the preferred and most suitable candidate in continuing this customer service initiative , would you kindly provide me with the start date, where and who to report to?
I look forward to beginning my dream job and showing you all what a great choice you made.
C.H.
Former Customer, “Future” Customer Relations Manager.
Bank West
Application for Customer Service Manager – Bank West
I noticed that Bank West was advertising for a Customer Service Manager , when I saw this advertisement I instantly became very excited as I have had some dealings with your bank and as a result believe I also have the exhibited qualities that I was so fortunate to experience.
I submit the following particulars in support of being considered for a management (customer focus) position within the Bank West Corporation.
I strongly believe that I possess all the desired and necessary qualities that will support Bank West’s demonstrated corporate mission and values.
Below is the list of my customer focus qualities that I believe best support Bank West’s service ethos and current customer practices.
1. I have an enormous passion and drive for making customers feel like they are of no importance or worth and that their constant and annoying business requests are nothing short of interruptive and are preventing me from doing something else more important.
2. I can be very direct and succinct in advising customers that I will get around to their business needs when I get the opportunity and not a minute beforehand.
3. I can be very creative in my responses to why the incompetence and unwillingness of the Bank to attend to the matters of the customer are really the customer’s fault and not the Bank’s.
4. I fully support the corporate attitude that we are too busy to attend to your needs right now and I personally don’t see any relationship with how this could be seen as being an internal management deficiency.
5. I enjoy employing and to that matter embracing arrogance as a fundamental tool when attending to any customer service matter and further believe that an aggressive and confrontational approach is a healthy building product in establishing customer relations in any business setting.
6. I can time after time commit and promise with a sincere tone to follow up on customer requests without any intention to ever do so and (wait-- get this) have no recollection of this promise or accompanying guilt when answering to customers follow up enquiries.
7. But I think the real WOW factor, hold on to your seat, Bang for Buck that is sure to impress and see me elevated quite quickly up Bank West’s corporate ranks is my true belief and passion that customer values are well overrated and that a more direct “like it or lump it” approach saves on the countless and unrewarding man-hours spent on convincing customers that we truly value their business, I mean what are they thinking? As if the bank gives two rats about them! If they don’t appreciate the bank’s service and demeanor they can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine and find another banking institute to harass with their irritating self-focused questions.
I believe that these astute attributes that I possess are very well aligned and in support of Bank West’s pursuance to achieving global recognition as the financial industry’s number one in customer dissatisfaction.
In an effort not to come across too cocky, but also knowing that any recruitment process with an ounce of integrity would certainly see me as the preferred and most suitable candidate in continuing this customer service initiative , would you kindly provide me with the start date, where and who to report to?
I look forward to beginning my dream job and showing you all what a great choice you made.
C.H.
Former Customer, “Future” Customer Relations Manager.
Bank West
1 comment:
Hi,
I was just following up on my recent Job application as I haven’t received any feedback to this time, I was however not really expecting any response because being a previous customer of BankWest I fully appreciate that you wouldn't have the time nor the inclination to do so.
I would have you know that I still remain quietly confident that I will be successfully selected for a BankWest Customer Service Management position. I have attached again my position application as I know and appreciate that it is standard BankWest practice to lose or discard all incoming documents and apply blame to the customer for not ever sending them, so keeping with BankWest best practice please find attached my resubmitted position application.
Since last applying I have been practicing my BankWest customer service techniques in anticipation to commencing employment with the company. I will have you know that I have been practicing my phone service skills on friends and family by answering each call in a sincere tone and saying "I am to busy to talk right now but I will be right back" then I go and have some lunch or watch TV then when I get the urge or remember (which ever comes first) I pick up the phone and once again in a false but sincere voice say “sorry I am still to busy to talk with you at the moment, but I will call you back in a short while", with never any intention to ever doing so.
This seems to be working well as the phone doesn’t ring as much anymore and I get a lot more time to sit around and do nothing, so I am assuming that this is the same performance goals and customer tactics that BankWest strive towards.
I have also recently lent some money to a friend just so that I can say I have industry experience in anticipation to my upcoming interview with BankWest, I have charged him a reasonable interest rate for the period of the loan and in keeping with true BankWest tradition when it came time for him to pay the loan out I didn’t show up in fact I dragged it out for another 4 weeks and then charged him the interest, this alone has to be a golden ticket towards securing employment with you guys, surely!
I look forward to personally providing you with a more in-depth insight as to my suitability as I believe I possess all the arrogant, ignorant and unethical qualities that support and service the very framework to which BankWest operate.
Look forward to my interview.
C.H.
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